Today I wanted to focus on one of the topics I’m considering talking about in this film and that is the topic of love. This to me is one of the toughest and hardest topics I wanted to talk about in the film because I’ve never opened up about my struggles of being in a wheelchair and being in love. I have friends and family in my life that love me and I love them as well and while I do have that love of my friends and family, I still feel lonely as hell at times.
I personally feel that I have created this loneliness in my heart. I’ve created this loneliness for fear that if I tell another woman that I lover her and want to be with her that she might not feel the same way that I do (Which can be awkward) and that person would reject me and push me away. I’ve had a few opportunities to admit my love for another woman but I’ve backed off and just haven’t told them.
My fear is that they might not love me because I am in a wheelchair. I’m so afraid of admitting my love to another woman because she might feel that she has to “take care” of me or that if she doesn’t love me back she might just feel obligated to be with me for fear of not hurting my feelings. I don’t know, maybe if I was walking, dealing with rejection would be a lot easier to deal with than being in a wheelchair because I wouldn’t have all of these emotions in my head.
I am so afraid of falling in love it’s a fear that I’ve had for many years. This coincides with other issues that I deal with particularly being a man (A topic I’ll deal with in the future). As a man it pisses me off because I can’t supply the things that are needed in a relationship or that I can’t be as manly as I want to be. It’s just frustrating at times!!!
This is a fear of mine that I’m facing right now while I’m working on this film. This fear of falling in love has held me back for years. This fear of telling another woman how I feel about them is tearing me up inside. I just wish that I had the courage to be real and truly honest about how I feel.