About two months ago I posted a screenshot of a person I follow on Twitter to my Instagram. In his Twitter post, he encouraged all black men to go to therapy and he mentioned how it was a life saver and a life enhancer. I’ve thought about going to therapy over the years but often times I ignored those feelings and it disappeared from my mind. I felt like it wasn’t for me, that I didn’t need it, what would I get from talking to a professional? Recently my thoughts about therapy have changed due to certain things that have happened to me over the past year. Over the past year I’ve experienced many highs but also I experienced many lows that made it difficult for me to express my feelings to those I care about and along with those lows made me question my own self-worth as a disabled black man.
I admit that I have a hard time expressing my feelings and keeping those feelings inside of me and it oftentimes has an effect on the relationships I have with people and it has an effect on my mental health. It’s a little funny to me how as a black filmmaker who created a film sharing my thoughts and feelings on various topics as a disabled black man can share those feelings in front of a camera but can’t share my thoughts and feelings to the people I care about in my life. When I’m hurt mentally I keep that hurt to myself, I pretend that nothing is wrong with me, I put on a facade so no one can notice the hurt that I’m going through. When I don’t share those thoughts I get angry and then that anger leads to depression. When I’m depressed I’m in a dark place and in that dark place, I don’t want to deal with anyone, in that dark place I don’t feel loved, in that dark place my biggest fears are there waiting for me. It’s a place where I tend to over think and question every move and thought and it’s scary. When I’m feeling this way it has a strong effect on my self-care. That’s why self-care has been the main focus for me over the past year because I don’t continue to be in that dark place, I want to be able to fully express my feelings, and I want to take care of my mental health.
Since that post on Instagram, I’ve gotten so much love, support, and encouragement to go to therapy from friends who have done it themselves and sharing with me how it’s worked for them. Right now I’m still on my search for a therapist and I feel that in the long run therapy will help and that it’ll be great for my mental health in the long run.