A Dark Point In My Life

The last couple of days I’ve been thinking hard about the person that I’ve become and where my life is at today compared to person I was and where my life was 14 years ago. I look back at that point in my life because that was a time that my entire life was turned upside down. During that time I got my first wheelchair, I was bouncing around between high schools trying to find my identity and it was a time that I suffered from a deep depression that took me years to get out of and recover from.

It started all in 2000. I was a student at St. Benedict High School. I was finishing up my sophomore year and I miss a large amount of the school year due to St. Ben’s getting a grant to help renovate the school. At the time I was actually walking but with the new construction, I couldn’t walk from one building to the next. Long story short, I wouldn’t be able to return to St. Ben’s my junior year but could return for my senior year.

During my junior year in 2000, I was actually home schooled through Senn High School and I was to complete a year at Senn and be able to transfer back to St. Benedict the next school year. Well that never happened and I wound up being stuck in the Chicago Public School (CPS) system for the next three years. I was beyond devastated because that meant I would never see my friends at St. Ben’s again. My friends meant so much to me at that time because they accepted me as a person and understood about my disability.

Around 2001 that was the beginning of my downward spiral. I was stuck at Senn before being transferred to Mather and then back to Senn (by the way, without my knowledge). I did get my wheelchair and while that played an important part of my life, I didn’t feel that way at the time. I hated being in a wheelchair and add to that I couldn’t get out of my house as much because we lived in a basement apartment and it was difficult for me to get out of my house. The only time I ever got out was to go to a few events and to school and I fucking hated going to school.

I spent the rest of my high school years being home schooled and I just kept getting deeper and deeper into my depression. Yeah I had the support of my uncle and my mother. She’s a praying woman and I didn’t give a damn about her trying to encourage me and lift my spirits up. Nobody knew what was going on with me. I put on a fake smile and pretend everything was alright, when I was actually going through hell. I was even at a point where I had suicidal thoughts, something that I’ve never mentioned to anyone until today. At a certain point I thought about killing myself. I hated my life, I hated being in a wheelchair, I was so damn lonely and I couldn’t take it anymore and I had my thoughts on how I was gonna end it. Thank God I didn’t go through with it but still, I was in a dark place.

I got out of high school in 2003 and started going to Truman College part-time and spent four years there. I was still couldn’t get out the house as much as I wanted to, I was still lonely. Going to school everyday was keeping me from going back to that dark place and being in a deep depression but I still kept to myself. In the summer of 2006, things started looking up. I moved from my basement apartment to Old Town, I dropped out of Truman and transferred to DePaul.

I was still a loner during the first few months at DePaul but as the years went on I met and got to know some amazing people there. They were just like my friends at St. Ben’s. They accepted me as a person (I’m trying so hard not to tear up now). They have given me so much love and support and I’m so grateful to have them in my life. The main reason the Wheelchair Chronicles is being made, is because of their encouragement and the strong belief they have in me and I’m forever thankful to them for that.

I’m now at a point in my life where I’m happy with who I am as a person, I happy that my film is close to being completed and that it’s taking me to places that I never thought I’d be at this time. I’ve met some new friends that are now a part of my life and now I’m networking with some big-time people in Chicago. I’m proud of the person I’ve become and where my life is heading.

 

 

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